Posts made in January, 2017

Can you give me a lobotomy?

A polish guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, can you give me a lobotomy?” The doctor says, “Why on earth would you want a lobotomy?” The polack responds, “Why, so I can write ‘dumb polack’ jokes, of course!” Dumb jokes...

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How do you confuse a blonde?

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner. Q: How does a blonde confuse you? A: She comes out and says she did. Lame jokes...

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Working on a preacher’s car

A man was working on a preacher’s car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped. He yelled “G**damn it” and the preacher said, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.'” The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again. The preacher again told him,...

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Reagan would always say something I never understood

Reagan would always say something I never understood when he was talking about the Russians: ‘Trust, but verify’ – which, to me, makes no sense. If I trust my girlfriend when she says she was home by herself last night, I don’t have to verify by checking up – which I did, and she’s a lying bitch. Cheesy jokes...

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I’m tropical

I didn’t really understand my family until I moved to Puerto Rico as an adult. For, like, five years, I lived there, and before then, I had always assumed that the dementia, the craziness in our family, was specific to our household. Then, I moved to the island – 4 million people behaving the exact same way – and I realized, ‘Oh my God, I’m not dysfunctional. I’m tropical!’ Yo mama jokes...

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It’s very stressful becoming a parent

It’s very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was really hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer. Damn, everybody uses ‘miscellaneous.’ Pirate jokes...

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Holidays are important

I think the holidays are important because that’s when you go home and do some alcoholic drinking and compulsive overeating with your dysfunctional families. Dark jokes...

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Some strangers sit at the bar

Some strangers sit at the bar. One guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.” Another guy asks, “What’s that?” The first guy says, “I am a Single, New Age Guy.” Another guy says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.” A lady asks, “What’s that?” He says, “Double Income, No Kids.” The lady says, “That’s nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a...

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