Posts made in March, 2017

I’m pregnant

She proposed to me. How weird is that? It wasn’t thoughtful. It wasn’t romantic. She just came in and said it: “Listen, huh, I’m pregnant.” Dirty jokes...

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Till she looks good enough for me to go home

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another. The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, “How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?” The man says, “Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I’m gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me...

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Who needs anemones

A man wanted Valentine’s Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist’s to order a bouquet of his wife’s favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he...

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You’ve got mail

A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought “how weird.” A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what...

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Would you prefer block or script letters?

A modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence “If you can read this you’re too damn close” embroidered on her panties and bra. “Yes ma’am,” said the clerk. “I’m quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?” “Braille,” she replied. Best jokes ever...

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Yahoo!

Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the road? A: “Yahoo!” Funny jokes...

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Son you’re ugly but daddy loves ya.

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat off and when he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it under the bench. One day his father caught him and told him, “Son, every time you do that you are killing a baby.” The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in. The boy looked in the can saw the frog and said,...

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Tragedy

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy.” So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a...

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