Jokes

He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people. “He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone”. Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head. “Ouch, Mom! I hate when you do that!” Lame jokes...

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Like a peanut

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, “Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!” “What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?” “No,” says Johnny. “It’s salty.” Kids jokes...

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Celebrity computer viruses (IV)

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files. Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you’re really enjoying it. David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again. Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone. X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting. Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty...

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Celebrity computer viruses (III)

Bill Clinton virus: Won’t let you query the system for information. Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right. Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interrogation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results. Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn’t appear to really do much of anything. Saddam...

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Celebrity computer viruses (II)

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care. Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there. Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact. HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week. Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run programs on a remote...

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Celebrity computer viruses (I)

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Ellen Degeneres...

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Three men in a hotel each wanting a room

There are three men in a hotel each wanting a room. The porter of the hotel says, “All the rooms are booked except for one room with a kingsize bed.” The three men are too tired to go to another hotel so they decide to take the room. The next morning, the three men wake up and the man on the left side of the bed said, “Wow, I had vivid dream of getting a wonderous hand job.” The man on the right said, “Yeah, me too.” The man in the middle said,...

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