Animal

A bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing two hikes

A bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing two hikes. They both start running for their lives, but then one of them stops to put on his running shoes. His friends says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!” His friend replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear; I only have to outrun you!” Best jokes ever...

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Genius, my ass

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front...

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A penguin was driving his car down the highway

A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, and ordered a glass of milk. Since penguins don’t have hands to hold glasses, he spilled some milk on his beak. When he returned to the mechanic, he asked what was wrong with...

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Shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him. One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady. “Finally, some company!” he thought. While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Hey, could you go...

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Yahoo!

Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the road? A: “Yahoo!” Funny jokes...

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Son you’re ugly but daddy loves ya.

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat off and when he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it under the bench. One day his father caught him and told him, “Son, every time you do that you are killing a baby.” The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in. The boy looked in the can saw the frog and said,...

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How much money he could get for the duck

Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting “Dad, I got $10 for the duck!” The farmer said “Well done, son.” The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. “Well done, son,” said the farmer. He then sent the...

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