Work

Sleeping on the job

A security guard has a dream that the jet plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up, he calls his boss at home and tells him. His boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane. The next day, the plane crashes. The boss calls the security guard to his office and gives him a reward – and then fires him. He asks his boss why he’s being let go. The boss replies, “You were sleeping...

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FedUP

Did you hear about the FedEx-UPS merger? The new company’s gonna be called FedUP. Short jokes...

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The collection officer

This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired. He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000. from non-payers, however he was greedy and hid the money for himself. It didn’t take long for the mafia bosses to catch on, so they sent a couple of thugs and an interpreter to find the collector. They found him,...

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Who killed Abraham Lincoln

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions…. Officer: What’s 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm… 4! Officer: What’s the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm… 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks...

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When I’m halfway there

Mike and Rob were laying tile on a roof when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea,” said Mike. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” “What, do you think I’m stupid?” Rob replied.” I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” “What, do you think I’m stupid?”...

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That lazy mailman works for me now

A husband comes home early from work and catches his wife in bed with the mailman. Before they notice him, he sneaks back into the hall, finds the mail bag, steams open the letters, inserts coupons from his rug-cleaning business and seals them back up. “Ha ha ha,” he snickers. “That lazy mailman who is shirking his duties works for me now!” Hilarious jokes...

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50% for doing it all through the muffler

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school. He enrolled in a technical...

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