Where’s the toast

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?” “Nonsense,” says the husband. “I can remember a dish of ice cream.” “Well,...

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Don’t make the same mistakes I did

Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said: ‘Dad, when I grow up, I’m gonna marry you.’ We laughed about it. My wife said: ‘Don’t make the same mistakes I did.’ Brian Kiley Clean jokes...

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Close to zero

Can’t understand how could something get close to zero? It doesn’t make sense, right? Wait until you get some credit card bills. Christmas jokes...

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Sleeping on the job

A security guard has a dream that the jet plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up, he calls his boss at home and tells him. His boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane. The next day, the plane crashes. The boss calls the security guard to his office and gives him a reward – and then fires him. He asks his boss why he’s being let go. The boss replies, “You were sleeping...

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Grosser than gross (2)

Q: What’s grosser than gross? A: Dreaming about eating chocolate pudding and waking up with a spoon in your butt. Dark jokes...

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Beer drinker

I used to be a big beer drinker. If you were to ask me what’s my favorite beer, I probably would have said, ‘I don’t know, the fifth one, I guess.’ That’s the one that makes me good looking and clever and even wise, and those are important qualities to have when it’s noon and you’re drinking alone on your couch. Pat Dixon Dad jokes...

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At the end of a relationship

Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) “I hope we can still be friends.” b) “I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.” c) “Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU.” Funniest jokes...

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